A few weeks ago I was having a little chat with Dad, in my head, as you do when someone you love passes away.
I was asking for a sign to know he was thinking of me and that he loved me. For some reason the word/thought/visual of Bluebird came to mind. As I have asked for signs from above before I knew I had to go with whatever came to me in the moment.
Of course you are on high alert then for your chosen sign, we all want to believe our loved ones are there watching over us.
Over the next few weeks I saw things that could be loosely looked upon as my sign, but I knew they were more like little winks than the full blown sign I was looking for.
I found a sticker of a bird that was blue, hidden on the side of my daughters wardrobe I was dismantling and selling and I saw ‘blue’tits in the garden a lot.
During this time my Nan, on my mum’s side, had grown very poorly. She was 95 years old and had developed kidney failure, so unfortunately it was just a matter of time and making her feel comfortable.
I went to visit last week and saw her. Her room was full of family and we all laughed and talked, took it in turns to hold her hand and put our cold hands on her forehead as she so enjoyed that feeling. I got to say goodbye and a week later I got the call to say she had passed.
Now me, my Mum and my Nan are all quite special I think! Nan was born in 1924, she had mum in 1954 who had me in 1984. Also we are all Libras and there is exactly 30 years between each of us. Me and Mum actually had a tattoo to commemorate the occasion on our 60th and 30th birthdays (Nan had to have a matching one drawn on in felt tip since she was 90!)
I tell you this, as I feel that Nan waited until Saturday 25th January 2020 to pass away peacefully, as that was the day that a few of my Dad’s closest friends had decided to host a fundraiser in his memory at The Playhouse where he spent so much of his life.
Of course that seems very selfish to write, like she was hanging on for me, but I wasn’t going to attend this event. I honestly felt like I couldn’t bear to go and to be so close to people who knew him so much better than me. Like it was going to be too hard and make me too sad. I had declined the invite and reserved ticket mum had booked for me and explained my reasoning.
Then Nan decided it was time to go. On that very day. In the morning, so that by the time I got there at lunch and spent the day with my family, I of course had no excuse not to attend Dad’s fundraiser in the evening.
I really did see it as a sign that I just had to go. Yes it would be tough, but I had my people with me and my family, so in honour of Nan’s little nudge, I went along. Oh, she even had bluetit ornaments in her room!
While eating tea with my family before getting ready to leave for the event, I told them that I had asked for a sign. I explained what had happened and what I had seen so far. I mentioned that nothing felt obvious enough yet, but that I can take the hint that I need to be at the fund raiser tonight.
Suddenly I laughed and said “ I wonder if they will play – ‘somewhere over the rainbow’?” When they asked why, I said “as thats where bluebirds fly”.
That song is actually one that I always thought I would have at my funeral (morbid I know), so I thought how fitting it was to have that thought now, at what was effectively a funeral for Dad since he didn’t want a real one. This was to be my only opportunity to celebrate his life with everyone.
We arrived a few hours later at The Playhouse, it was filled with lots of unfamiliar faces. I recognised a few and saw my family from Dad’s side. I didn’t feel too overwhelmed and was actually looking forward to seeing what the evening brought.
It had been a surreal, emotional day anyway so why not just go all out and embrace it.
They offered us programs on our arrival, and I had a little look at what was scheduled for the evening. It looked like it was set to be a good show. My sister took the program from me to look through it herself and exclaimed out loud at something.
I asked her was was so shocking and funny (since she was laughing too) and she asked me to read what was on.
I scanned the page again and didn’t see anything that jumped out, then she pointed to one of the performances that was due to happen, and it was a woman singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”………
There it was. My black and white, clear as day sign that Dad was with me. That he loved me and does love me and that he wanted me there.
I am so grateful for that song, for that experience and the feeling of hope and happiness that comes with receiving such a clear sign.
Thank you Dad for not giving up on me and for gently pushing me until I found your sign, and thank you to Nan for helping me get to Cheltenham so I could attend. I feel you both conspired to get me there and for that I am grateful.
Much love to you both, and I will always think of you, especially when I see a rainbow from now on. xxx