I feel like I have always been good at following my dreams. I have never been afraid to take that leap or make that scary step towards my future.
My dream was so clear over the last few years and I have been working towards it relentlessly…..
What do I do now though?
What I thought I was dreaming of has started to not fit as well as it used to. The shape just doesn’t quite stay in the hole I had designed for it. It’s getting sloppy and it can’t keep its form.
It’s morphing into something I don’t really recognise and this is scary. How do I work towards my future when its seemingly already lost a few key aspects of it? Where is it going to land? What is going to be left of me and my original desires if it just melts away?
This limbo has me in a state of overwhelm. I feel like I have checked out as I can’t cope with it all.
I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep properly, I know there is so much I should be doing and trying to keep on my original path, but what has come from all of this, is the overwhelming feeling that the original path is just not for me any more.
Leaving it means I shake up my entire life.
All I have built up over the last 6 and a half years. I fear I will lose friends and supporters. If I push on down this road I have to fight through all of the internal muck that is keeping me stuck where I am, possibly on my own.
In life we go through periods of growth and change just like the seasons. You change so dramatically that who you were before is gone forever. It may only happen a few times in your entire life, but you could find it happens often.
This change can mean you lose things and people that you find dear. You could lose them forever if they don’t grow and change with you.
At the time this is heartbreaking but as I know from my experiences in life, the heart heals and those that are meant to stay around, stay around.
This will be the same with my dream I guess. The bits that are meant to stay will stay. I will still reach them, even if they come to me at the end of a different path, in ways I can’t see right now.
As for losing friends and support. I don’t really believe I will lose everyone I love and cherish if I decide to take this new road, but I know it will change the dynamics.
I have been guided to believe that this path will not only enlighten me and set me on a new and exciting journey, but that it will do the same for those special few I love also.
Losing everything doesn’t always mean you have lost.
It means you get to start again and take all that you have learnt on your last journey with you, and this will enable you to navigate your new path.
So I guess that means I have to take this road? I have to make the decision and not look back? I have to jump in with both feet, hands in the air and embrace the new me that is rising from the ashes of a dream I once thought was my final destination……
I will keep looking for the light and walking towards it. I will trust that everything happens for a reason and this journey with all its hardships, losses and exhaustion will one day make sense to me.
I hope that through the trees alongside my path I can still see and hear my friends and supporters walking beside me.
They may not be directly on my path for the whole time as they are on their own journey during all of this, but I do feel that our paths will continue to cross and wind around each other weaving together and breaking apart.
Still heading the same way and we can all meet again at the end.