Drowning

My blog started as a way to tell my story, to share my journey through discovering and working on my mindset. I have shared some funny, uplifting, and thought provoking blogs. I have told you about my ups and downs but for some reason I am finding it really hard to share what is written below.

I worry people will think ‘shut up you martyr’ or ‘no one cares how you feel, how up-yourself are you to think anyone even wants to read this shit’.
I feel like a fraud having such deep dark words in this post as I am ’supposed’ to be happy and cheerful all the time.
I think people that meet me and know me (bar a special few) wouldn’t expect what this blog holds to come from me?

But in the name of helping others I will share the post that I wrote late last night.
It was written just to get it out really but now I share it in the hope that anyone else suffering in silence will see that even the most cheerful people have dark days and they will know they are not alone.

It’s not often that my feelings and emotions can’t be put into words. I’m a talker. I will chat to anyone about anything. But of late I just can’t explain how I feel.

I can’t actually think how to even begin to describe the mess of thoughts and feelings going through my head right now.

Work, life, love, money all the usual culprits but this time they seem to be even bigger and badder than before.

When upleveling my life and mindset, I know that as I reach each new level I will find a new Devil. But man this one is scary!

I have spent the last 18 months (if not more) learning about mindset, limiting beliefs and the importance all of it has on our everyday lives.

The idea that what you think you can achieve, thinking positive thoughts leads to a positive life, and understanding that we always try and keep ourselves safe in our comfort zone, especially when we are moving up to the next level whether it be in work, love or life.
Self sabotage is sneaky when you don’t know anything about it, and it turns out it’s just as sneaky even when you are aware you are doing it!!

So how, I ask you, are you to get yourself back on that path when you can’t even say what is holding you back from it? You can’t fathom the limiting beliefs and the stories you tell yourself any more?

I know I am too scared to face it all. It seems so overwhelming. I worry if I speak the words I won’t ever be able to take them back, and the universe will hear my negative thoughts and bring me more of them. I feel like I can’t take any more……

I understand how stupid that sounds. I know it’s not as black and white as that, but I also know I need to get out of this funk or else I will just keep spiralling down and taking everything with me on the way.

A wise friend told me that you just have to keep riding the waves. That even if you go under the water, you have to claw yourself back to the surface and if all you can do is float there, then float there until you’re strong enough to swim again.

I am floating and loosing balance every day at the moment. The waves keep coming in and knocking me down. I keep coming back up and floating, but I am tired.

I don’t know how to get out of this cycle.

There are plenty of small boats offering to rescue me and they do for a while, then they go back to their own lives and I sink in the water again. I feel like I just want a huge boat that will wrap me in its arms and tell me it’s all going to be ok and that they won’t leave my side.

…….Ok, so my metaphor got a bit fuzzy at the end, but you get the idea.

It’s hard when you feel like you’re struggling alone, even though you are actually always surrounded by friends and family who love you and would do anything for you.

It’s just not that special kind of love. The love that you get from someone who is on your side completely. Someone who wants to share their life with you. Someone who will remind you daily that you are worth it.

I’m tired of being alone and going though all of this life stuff by myself……

Turns out as I write, that some of my feelings can work their way out there. Who knew’?!

I know there is much more, work worries are on top form currently, but reading what I have just written makes my heart hurt.

I of course can absolutely do all of this crap on my own, and I have a kick ass tribe by my side complete with a soul mate bestie who is my person through and though, but it’s just not the same.

I miss love from a partner. I miss sharing my bed with someone who will cwtch me and hold my hand in the dark. I want someone in my life who can speak to/look at me and know when I’m drowning.

All I want when I’m feeling like this is someone to talk too, a hand to hold and a shoulder to rest my weary head on. They don’t need to be a life saver, they don’t need to fix it all with a magic wand, they just need to love me for me.

As you can see, that shit got real.

What started as one issue snowballed into another. I didn’t know where that was going to go when I was writing it last night, but free writing really is a great way to just see what comes up.

I have lots of work/money worries at the moment but in spite of all of that, its actually just highlighted the fact I haven’t got that special someone to share it with.
Talk about revelations!

Today however is a new day. It’s actually the end of a new day as I write this part, and the day hasn’t been bad at all.

I have relaxed, rested, walked, breathed fresh air, eaten healthy meals, spent time with my girly, seen family, chatted to friends including a long chat with my wise guru!
All in all, I have done more than float today. Today I swam and hitched a lift with a few of those boats.

The love life still sucks (currently but not forever), the money pressures are still there (not for long), I still haven’t done an ounce of Christmas shopping (I will make time to create something for those special people in my life even if thats all I can do) BUT, I have amazing friends and family, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a happy healthy sassy 6 year old, a successful business no matter what my limiting beliefs try and tell me and much much more!

I promise to myself that I will never give up. I will never stop floating, if thats all I can do then fine, but when I get my energy back I will swim harder and faster than ever and kick that fear in the ass on the way!!

To anyone else out there struggling, call on your tribe, if you don’t have one, make one. 

You may feel like a bother to them or worry they are going to think you’re an idiot, but just call them. They are your people they will get it and you will feel better for having shared your worries. You don’t have to go it alone.

If you really don’t have anyone, then reach out to a company like The Samaritans – Wales contact number 116 123, or find your local number here https://www.samaritans.org

No one should have to deal with their worries on their own.

Sending love and light to us all, and to my wonderful tribe.

Chin up! xx

11 thoughts on “Drowning

  1. Wow Jenn you write so well. I’m sure you’re not alone and I do so strongly hope that you’ll be “rescued”. You so deserve to be, my darling girl. Love you very much Jenn ❤️❤️

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    1. I am rescued by my friends and family and for that I am extremely lucky 🍀 one day I will be “rescued” by a partner but for now I will continue to rescue myself.
      Lots of love back Yvie ♥️

  2. Aww Jen – I understand that feeling completely. Yes, we are strong, independent women (as I always say to my daughters) and we have a good support network of friends and family, but wouldn’t it be lovely to have that special someone who’s there – just for you. The last time I cried (it doesn’t happen often – I’ve used up all my tears) was because I felt so alone with things overwhelming me. Like you though, I will keep floating! Fingers crossed a life boat will pass by soon… 💕

    1. Aw. It’s not bloody easy is it? Sorry to hear you have felt that lonely too. It sucks!!
      It’s not the same and I’m sure like me you have people, but if you ever need anyone else to chat to you can reach out to me.
      In the mean time we can keep an eye out for that life boat, it will be on its way ♥️

  3. I am sure that in sharing you are helping many too Jen. I so wish I could find a ship, never mind a boat, for you. A bloody great huge one that would provide maximum stability and one you could rely on to keep you safe.
    In the meantime, keep writing your feelings, keep floating. As you know, I can’t really swim… but dad can, well. We’re there for you my lovely girl, you won’t drown😘 xx

  4. That shit really did get real Jen! Your positivity always shines through, far more than mine (but I am always working on it). This has been one of the most difficult years of my life so far and I can only thank my friends and family for helping me to keep pushing forward. I’ve wanted to give up on countless occasions, the suicidal thoughts have crept in more than once, and everyone around me has helped to pull me back to my feet. I’ve had much the same worries as you, money, relationships, work, and somehow we’re both still surviving. I can only hold hope that the next year brings further fortune for the both of us. Hang in there, we’re right behind you! xx

    1. Aw Tom. You are a wonderful hooman inside and out. I know you struggle and I will always be there to raise you up when ever I can. You are talented even if you don’t know it and I’m lucky to have a tog and friend like you in my life.
      Here’s to next year being our year xx

  5. For what it’s worth i’ve gone down this path but learnt some new tools along the way. Just an idea but try writting a gratitude diary in bed before going to sleep. It re-trains your brain to a new thought pattern instead of it anylising the day. Hope this helps 😊 it’s shown me what i do have instead of whats missing. Lovely honest written post! #singlemoms #keepconnectedtooyourtribe 😄xx

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